Saturday, February 26, 2011

Get Outta Your Head

My name's Warly and I'm ... well, I dunno what the hell I am anymore. Recovering addict ... definately. Alcoholic ... still debating/denialing that one I guess. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. I'm not anywhere near where I was before, but it does seem to be progressing again. I've gone from drinking a couple times a year, to a couple of times a month. Still not too bad considering past experiences, but enough of a progression to make me wonder. Being an analytical creature, the not knowing kills me.

So I took an alcohol screening test. It recommends that you use the past 12 months as a reference, even though some of the questions are phrased "if you've ever". So I stuck to the past 12 months irregardless of phrasing and scored a yes answer to 5 of the 20 questions. I took it a second time using my entire drinking "career" as a frame of reference and scored a yes answer to 13 out of 20 questions. Anything over 3 could be cause for concern according to the test. No matter what the test says, there are two paths that could be taken.

The first path is the safest and most obvious. Just quit drinking again. Pretty damn simple huh? Except that I really don't want to if I don't have to, which in itself probably should supercede the screening test as cause for worry. But it has taken 12 years of drinking to get to this point. Who's to say it will get worse? Who's to say it won't. My oldest turns 21 this August. We've been making plans for 2 years, since she said she'd love to see the Karaoke Love Goddesses perform for her birthday. Yeah, that's going to take some liquid courage. But that's just a justification.

The second path is just as obvious and leads through a mine field. Keep drinking and see if I can avoid the mines. Hitting bottom sucks but is very effective. My old bottom may have been a ledge that I hit on the way to a true bottom, do I really want to push my luck? I consider that it could have just been a ledge because it really no longer applies. I no longer have children at home to worry about traumatizing with my drinking. I don't have a job to lose. I've already lost at love and have no interest in trying again. What do I have to lose really? A very dangerous question to pose, especially if I can't come up with an answer. Some would suggest I could lose myself along the way. Honestly, I already have. The idea of a bottomless pit is intriguing, but what kind of idiot jumps in just to find out where it leads? An alcoholic. "We're here cuz we're not all here" comes to mind. I have more justifications at the ready. Like the fact that I have turned down last call because I realized I had hit my limit. I never used to have a limit other than the booze was gone, or I'd passed out. Even puking wouldn't stop me in the old days, figuring that I had just made room for more.

I've had 2 hours sleep, and I'm gonna get outta my head now. I'm going to leave it at the fact that I'm not going to drink today. My brother's birthday party this weekend? Probably. My daughter's birthday party? Most likely. But not today, it's a start.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Amazing

I woke up with these lyrics in my head. "It's amazing. In the blink of an eye, you finally see the light." Makes me wonder what I'm going to see the light about. Maybe that it is time to go home. I miss home, I do. But ... I've gotten back in touch with my recovery here, something that I've taken for granted for the past several years. I've gotten used to having the internet at my disposal again. I've missed my sims and Heidi bought me Sims3 as payment for working on her site, and an enticement for me to stay longer, knowing that I would want to stick around to play it. I've also picked up another obsession, though probably healthier than any of my others. I spend a lot of my non-sims time trying to catch Steven Tyler on twitter, idol, looking for new videos, pics, or tidbits of news that I hadn't already found. Talk about amazing .. his voice, his heart, his recovery -- and unfortunate relapse. The only consolation that I have in telling myself that I'm not a completely obsessed fan is that I don't tweet him several times an hour with x-rated propositions like other women do. Course, I dont see the point in it. I can't keep up with all the tweets he gets and wonder how much of an effort he puts in to reading the thousands of tweets that come in while he is offline.

So anyhow, my brother's birthday is next Wednesday and I want to be home for it. The question is, am I just stopping in for a visit like Heidi is suggesting, or going home for good? I'm not sure, I guess that I haven't seen the light yet.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Permanent Vacation

I was torn between the title of I'm Down or Girl Keeps Coming Apart, so went with the album name since some days it seems like I'm on a Permanent Vacation. I came to visit for 5 days and have been here almost two months. I love Heidi for caring enough to keep me and not wanting me to go home, but I'm getting home sick.

I went to bed early last night, around 2 this morning. Hey, that's real early for me. Woke up around 8:30 bright eyed, bushytailed and ready to start my day. Got right to work, ready to get lots accomplished, and be done in time for a scheduled NA meeting online. Best way to make God laugh is to make plans. I didn't get much of anything accomplished. The internet went out, the dog went nuts barking at god only knows what. Even with my headphones on and the music blaring, it wasn't enough to drown out the noise so I could hear the voices in my head ... uh, I mean hear myself think. I actually went out in the cold and the snow just to get some quiet. I miss my walks. I don't get very far here before I run out of places to go. Bugs me to have nothing within walking distance, I'm definately not a country girl. Days like these I don't care how cold it is, I'd rather be home with no heat or electricity. I'd have my books, my crocheting, and my brother. I guess I just got up on the wrong side of the clock this morning. I don't often get up before noon, and it doesn't seem to agree with me. Just about everything has aggravated me and gotten on my nerves today. Things that normally roll off me like water off a duck's back. Oh did I mention the chat room for the NA meeting was empty? I don't often have cravings anymore, but today is one of those days.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Attitude Adjustment

I found a recovery chat room tonight. Is ironic, when I first started hanging out on the internet, wayy back in '96 it was to find recovery chat rooms that I had heard about. Tonight was the first time that I had been in a chat room since the bingo site that I volunteered as a chat moderator for a good 6 years, was hacked and shut down over a year ago. I haven't been to a meeting in probably atleast 13 years and I'm very lucky to still be clean, especially with all of the crap that I've had to deal with. I never really liked NA meetings, for some reason hearing people talk about using bothered me more than hearing war stories about drinking.

If you notice, I do specify that I'm clean, not clean and sober. I was sober for 5 years before I jumped off that wagon. And while I did drink heavily, I'll admit it, I think a lot of it was my drug use and youth. My sponsor screamed denial, and wouldn't give me credit for still being clean. This gave me a resentment and a justification for not going to meetings. But like they say, justification is like masturbation, you'll the only one getting screwed. I didn't feel that I still qualified for AA since I didn't plan to officially quit drinking. My brother jokes that it is hard to tell the difference since I drink so rarely. We have started going to the bar fairly regularly though. Not like couple times a week, or even a couple times a month, but more than I have in years. We started going mainly because it is someplace warm to hang out for a while. We don't go until midnight, so that we don't end up drinking or spending too much, and there have been nights when I passed on last call because I had hit my limit. It used to be that my limit didn't come until I passed out or all the booze was gone. But I've also noticed that while on the first couple of trips to the bar my brother had to convince me to go, the last few trips were at my suggestion. And I've started wondering if maybe I am in denial and slowly working my way back to the level that my drinking had been.

Anyhow, there wasn't anyone in the NA chat room but plenty of people in the 24 hour recovery chat, though it seemed to be more geared towards drinking than recovery in general. There was someone new, never been to a meeting but questioning their consumption and had been wanting to quit for a while. They were floored that strangers were so nice and helpful to them. We talked them through until after 2am when the liquor store closed. They plan to go to a meeting at 7am, I pray they make it. They messaged me privately and I explained that helping them helped us as well. They were confused by this. I went into further detail that sometimes we can get complacent in our recovery. That by helping new members it reminds us of where we come from, the pain that we suffered to get to where we are today. I'm paraphrasing here as it's been several years since I've opened my big book, but we do not live in the past, nor wish to shut the door on it. I have seriously become complacent, not even just not going to meetings, but not being grateful for my recovery anymore. I've been so bogged down with the crap that I know I can't change and resenting the hell out of it. I've been angry with God for a very long time. I still believe of course, and I try to live in a Christian manner. Doing unto others, etc, etc. I'm just not currently on speaking terms with God. I don't have the patience of Job, and if I'm "just" being tested, I guess I have failed miserably.

So ... new attitude. I will try to be grateful for what I do have. I have awesome friends, and two beautiful daughters. I have a brother that I love dearly, basically the only family I have left, besides the girls. We've gotten very close while we struggle together in this past collection of downfalls. Even if I do feel as though I have abandoned him for the last month. He is the first to assure me that there isn't anything that I could do if I were back home with him, other than the whole misery loves company thing. If nothing else, I suppose that I should be grateful for current circumstances as they have brought us closer together. But I'm not quite there yet. I will try to be more optimistic and less realistic/pessimistic ... I've never seen much difference between the two in my life. I'm going to try to be more active, even when just sitting here at my computer working on the website I'm building, I have my headphones on and doing the dancing in my seat thing. It's gotta be atleast a little bit better than sitting like a lump right? I'm not going to claim to turn over a new leaf right away, baby steps is they key I think. And I can't really plan to attend face to face meetings again at this point as I'm dependant on others for transportation right now. But I can attend the online meetings that are scheduled. Maybe when I get back home, where there is public transportation, my new attitude will have advanced enough to take that step.

Online meetings are at Step Chat if you ever need one.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Hole in my Soul

Yeah another song that I can relate to. I had always thought of it as giving my heart away and never reclaiming possesion of it. "I'm down a one way street with a one night stand"... He was supposed to be a one night stand. He was gorgeous, and I never expected him to give me the time of day, let alone more than one night. I had even played Bob Seger's "We've got Tonight" on the jukebox to remind me that it was just "tonight". Two months later we were expecting a baby. 10 months later, we were parents. 16 months after that one night stand, we split up. 5 years later, we tried again, for the sake of our daughter. He was sober this time. I was still clean, but not sober. Of course, my brother jokes that it is hard to tell the difference when I'm drinking or not drinking since I drank so rarely. My sponsor of course screamed denial. She never understood the whole cross-addicted thing and wouldn't give me "credit" for still being clean. This of course let me justify a resentment. But this isn't about my recovery, it's about the hole in my soul.

I have always taken time off between relationships. Years ago, while I was on a dating sabatical, my best friend had decided she was going to get me laid. This led to a humorous adventure of us trying to find my preferred method of birth control, only to find they had quit making it years prior. Even I had to admit that it was time to start dating again. Granted during my wild child youth, it was odd for me to go hours without a lover, let alone years. But this latest sabatical has been never ending. Like I never got my heart back, or I have a hole in my soul. I haven't been dealing with the baggage like I should, it's still sitting in the hallway, waiting for me to deal with it.

"Sometimes the punishment don't seem to fit the crime." I had always thought that he had been my karma, coming back to bite me in the ass for all of the guys who had been serious about me, but just wasn't IT for me. You can't control who you love. I've often said that love isn't nothing but a last name, and though I may never really know what love is, I thought that I was in love with him. Maybe I was, it certainly did seem special. But he didn't love me, and we both knew it. When he proposed, so that the baby could be born legitimate, I feared that he would grow to resentment me, and worse yet ... resent the baby.

"So you tell me how it's going to be this time. Is it over? Is it over? cuz i'm blowing out the flame" Awesome lyrics, if only it were that easy. Everytime I blew out the flame he would attempt to rekindle it. And often I let him, but I am so done. Last time that I saw him, he tried to kiss me. And i was taken by such surprise, he did get actual full contact before I pulled away. He had relapsed, and was drunk. I hate to say it of anyone but he truly is easier to take when he's drinking. He was always .... well usually ... a happy drunk. He demanded that I move in with him because of reasons going on at my home. And it was tempting. Tempting enough that, after a couple weeks of debate, I had decided to accept his "offer". Except then he told me he no longer needed me, he had found a sitter, his true reason for inviting me apparently. Yeah I have a hole in my soul, that I need to close if not refill.

"There's a hole in my soul, yeah I should have known better 'Cause your love's like a thorn without a rose". Another song comes to mind too. "you're easy on the eyes, but hard on the heart" He certainly looked like a rose, but he was all thorns. And I can't blame him really. I think he knew, he had a chance at something real, something right, and is why he keeps trying to come back, but I just cannot handle the rollercoaster ride anymore. I don't know if it is commitment issues, hell I have an entire subscription of that. But anytime that we got close, he was gone. Usually when I needed him the most.

"Sometimes I feel broke and can't get fixed" This really needs no explanation. Long quote here ... "I know there's been all kinds of shoes underneath your bed, Now I sleep with my boots on but you're still in my head, (And something tells me this time I'm down to my last licks), 'Cause if it's over, Then it's over, And it's driving me insane." He's had other girlfriends, he actually lived with one. I'm not sure if it was the fact that he needed someone to do his laundry after he finally left home, or a sign that he was maturing and ready to grow up. All I know is that it is driving me nuts, because it's over. No matter how many times he tries to come back. It has to be over, because I can't live like this anymore.

"Take a walk outside your mind" Is this another get out of your head lyric? "Tell me how it feels to be The one who turns the knife inside of me." How is it that emotional pain can be such a physical pain? Like your guts are just twisting inside you. "Take a look and you will find There's nothing there girl, yeah, I swear I'm telling you girl yeah 'cause there's a hole in my soul" There IS nothing there, so why am I affected so much when he turns on the charm and tries to weedle his way back into my life ... the life that HE chose not to be a part of, over and over and over again ... wait that's from a different song.

Like I said in my last post, it's like I've been in a holding pattern, just waiting for what's going to happen next. I do believe in putting myself in God's hand, but maybe I don't have the true faith for anything to actually happen once I'm there. Yet it is also said that God helps those that help themselves. So which is it? Trust that he will provide, or help yourself with faith that everything will work out for the best?

Love like you've never been hurt, that was tweeted the other day. Yeah, easier said than done. But it is weird to think that celebrities go through the same thing that we "mere mortals" do. But I would imagine they have it worse. While they never lack for company, they also never know who is around because of actual interest and who is around just because they are famous.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Just another Manic Monday

I get the most done on the manic days. Makes sense, I suppose, as it is those days that I think I can accomplish the impossible. Whether it's code for the most difficult website that I've ever attempted, or just dreaming the impossible dream. I have fewer manic days than depressed, but that might be for the best. I can handle the depression, it's familiar, it's safe. It's the days when I play the hand dealt to me without complaint, even though it isn't a winning hand. The manic days are the days of accomplishment, and of false hope. Hope that life will change. Hope that things will be better. Hope that I might draw the right card for that inside straight. As far as I can tell, hope is just a future disappointment.

I have one of those unbelievable lives. I always try to live within my conscience. Well, since I got clean anyway. I may not attend church as much as I should but I still try to live as I think He would want. Honest to a fault, loyal to my friends and loved ones, too thoughtful of others. Often my decisions are based on what's best for others, even when it's very clear the decision is not in my best interest. My life is proof that nice people finish last, the testing grounds for Murphy's law. I have survived more crap than any one person should have to, and I doubt many would believe that so many bad things could happen to one person. But that's my life, and I'm pretty much used to it.

I've heard many say that God is their co-pilot. I've learned that He is the pilot and I'm just along for the ride. He doesn't always take a direct route, or even the most scenic. But the journey is rarely dull and I always get where I'm going. Even when it isn't where I had planned to go or when I wanted to go, it is usually where I need to be, when I need to be there. But I have to wonder sometimes, because it really seems like I've just been circling in a holding pattern for the past few years.