My name's Warly and I'm ... well, I dunno what the hell I am anymore. Recovering addict ... definately. Alcoholic ... still debating/denialing that one I guess. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. I'm not anywhere near where I was before, but it does seem to be progressing again. I've gone from drinking a couple times a year, to a couple of times a month. Still not too bad considering past experiences, but enough of a progression to make me wonder. Being an analytical creature, the not knowing kills me.
So I took an alcohol screening test. It recommends that you use the past 12 months as a reference, even though some of the questions are phrased "if you've ever". So I stuck to the past 12 months irregardless of phrasing and scored a yes answer to 5 of the 20 questions. I took it a second time using my entire drinking "career" as a frame of reference and scored a yes answer to 13 out of 20 questions. Anything over 3 could be cause for concern according to the test. No matter what the test says, there are two paths that could be taken.
The first path is the safest and most obvious. Just quit drinking again. Pretty damn simple huh? Except that I really don't want to if I don't have to, which in itself probably should supercede the screening test as cause for worry. But it has taken 12 years of drinking to get to this point. Who's to say it will get worse? Who's to say it won't. My oldest turns 21 this August. We've been making plans for 2 years, since she said she'd love to see the Karaoke Love Goddesses perform for her birthday. Yeah, that's going to take some liquid courage. But that's just a justification.
The second path is just as obvious and leads through a mine field. Keep drinking and see if I can avoid the mines. Hitting bottom sucks but is very effective. My old bottom may have been a ledge that I hit on the way to a true bottom, do I really want to push my luck? I consider that it could have just been a ledge because it really no longer applies. I no longer have children at home to worry about traumatizing with my drinking. I don't have a job to lose. I've already lost at love and have no interest in trying again. What do I have to lose really? A very dangerous question to pose, especially if I can't come up with an answer. Some would suggest I could lose myself along the way. Honestly, I already have. The idea of a bottomless pit is intriguing, but what kind of idiot jumps in just to find out where it leads? An alcoholic. "We're here cuz we're not all here" comes to mind. I have more justifications at the ready. Like the fact that I have turned down last call because I realized I had hit my limit. I never used to have a limit other than the booze was gone, or I'd passed out. Even puking wouldn't stop me in the old days, figuring that I had just made room for more.
I've had 2 hours sleep, and I'm gonna get outta my head now. I'm going to leave it at the fact that I'm not going to drink today. My brother's birthday party this weekend? Probably. My daughter's birthday party? Most likely. But not today, it's a start.