Saturday, March 12, 2011

To Drink, or not to Drink

After my brother got home from work, he suggested a trip to the bar. After a day of moving furniture, I was already yawning and thinking of bed. However ... and isn't there always a however, or a but ... a couple of hours in the heat sure sounded like a plan. My brother was coming down with the sniffles and sneezes, and we were both yawning as we traipsed the half mile, or so, to the bar. I commented on what party animals we had become in our old age. He laughed and replied, "Atleast we still try." I know I've said it before, but I guess it bears repeating .. going to the bar always sounds like a good idea, then I get there and can't believe that used to be my life. Of course back then I went often, and knew everyone. Now it's a different bar and I don't know anyone. I used to be the youngest in the crowd, under the legal age at first, and now I was one of the oldest. The music was electronic crap, that was ... OMG am I about to say this? ... too loud. Of course if it was decent music it probably would have been just fine. But you couldn't hold a conversation, and it wasn't good for dancing. We left after a little over an hour and trekked back home. Granted, I had managed to suck down two beers, but I was ready to leave and am fine with just having those two. I pause to read today's thought/prayer for the day, which I admit I hadn't done yet. Today's preayer: "I pray that I may love the simple things of life. I pray that I keep my life uncomplicated and free." It doesn't get much more uncomplicated than what I have now ... provided I stay outta my head.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Thought for the Day

Have I turned my drug problem entirely over to God, without reservation?

I think the fact that I have remained drug fee over the years, even without consciously working the program anymore is probably the strongest evidence that I have turned it over to God. Lord knows that I couldn't have done it alone. My trip home has reminded me just how truly powerless that I am. I can only have faith that He has a reason and has left a window open for me somewhere.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Ain't that a Bitch

This morning I woke up singing, "Freak out! I'm alone now. I think I may be losing my mind." Well duh. I've been alone going on five years now. No great epiphany there. Some would argue that I lost my mind years ago.

I finished the dream that I had started the other night. Atleast I think it is finished. As the judges walked to their desk on stage, he broke out into song, "i'm in love ... yeah, I don't know if I can face the night". Jennifer Lopez laughed and commented that he must have finally proposed to Erin. He said nooo, they had broken up, but he was thinking that he should propose. Jennifer and Randy urged him to do so, live on air. He whips out his phone and dials. Without wanting to tear my eyes from the screen that I am riveted to, I answer my phone without checking the caller ID. I almost drop it when I realize it is him. He asks if I am watching Idol and I choke out an affirmative reply. On screen, he reaches into his jacket pocket, pulls out a ring box, and turns it to the camera. There is a modest rock inside. Jennifer teases him that it is kinda puny. He replies, "She would be embarrased to wear anything larger." I gasp and ask how he could know that.

He replied, "I don't think we had holes in our souls after all. I think we share a soul and have been looking for the other half. I've found mine. Marry me girl." After a brief hesitation while I tried to get my mind around the surreal events taking place, I agreed and said that we both needed to be committed. He replied, "It takes a little bit of being crazy to make a difference in the world."

That's pretty much the end of the dream as I can recall. Still haven't gotten to jump him. I guess I'm not that kind of girl, even in my dreams. I do recall another snippet of dream where we went to Keith's tattoo shop and got matching tatts. The temporary tatt he usually wheres on his right arm but with my initials also incorporated into the design as well. This is a really weird twist in my dream as I've always felt strongly against the "marring" of my body with tatts.

"You may be right, I may be crazy." Billy Joel song, not Aerosmith for once, and it definately fits my frame of mind lately.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Guy in the Glass

The Guy in the Glass
by Dale Wimbrow, (c) 1934

When you get what you want in your struggle for pelf,
And the world makes you King for a day,
Then go to the mirror and look at yourself,
And see what that guy has to say.

For it isn't your Father, or Mother, or Wife,
Who judgement upon you must pass.
The feller whose verdict counts most in your life
Is the guy staring back from the glass.

He's the feller to please, never mind all the rest,
For he's with you clear up to the end,
And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test
If the guy in the glass is your friend.

You may be like Jack Horner and "chisel" a plum,
And think you're a wonderful guy,
But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
If you can't look him straight in the eye.

You can fool the whole world down the pathway of years,
And get pats on the back as you pass,
But your final reward will be heartaches and tears
If you've cheated the guy in the glass.

Queen of my Delusion

This morning I woke up with this thought in my head, Queen ... err rather .. King of my delusion. It's a line from an unreleased Aerosmith song, the title currently escapes me.

I had dreamt that Steven Tyler's car broke down in front of my house. His phone was also dead. I offered use of my phone, but without access to his phone book, the offer was moot. He had hoped to charge his phone, but found I was powerless. We walked to where I have charged my phone on occasion. We hung out for a bit while his phone charged. He flirted easily with me. Laughable in the waking state as I'm probably 10-15 years too old for him and atleast 100 pounds too heavy to be "his type". But that's what makes dreams fun, anything can happen.

He was surprised when his advances were rebuffed (makes two of us, even my dreams suck). When I got clean, it became harder to do the "free love" one night stand kind of thing. Tho honestly, I'd probably jump at the chance to jump him, even if just once. But it was the other thing that held me back.

I've been The Woman who found out about The Other Woman enough to know that I don't want to be The Other Woman ever again. I don't want to be the source of that kind of pain to anyone. When I was using, I didn't care if a man was married. Actually, that's not true, married men were more attractive to me as there was less risk of them getting too attached. While I may not consciously work the program in every aspect of my life anymore as I should, I do stay true to my subconscious. It's all about whether or not you can look at that guy/gal in the glass.

His phone was charged, he made his call, and we walked back to the house. He asked what I was looking for, besides just unattached. I joked that I was a sucker for men with long hair and goatees, and that I loved drummers. He joked that he was halfway there.

Whomever he had called showed up and before leaving he asked for a kiss. I jokingly quoted him asking "with or without tongue?" He was gone on his way while I was turning the moment into a warm fuzzy memory that I would kiss my ass over for years to come, because of the once in a lifetime experience that I had passed up.

A few days later, Heidi picked me up and spirited me back to her place, back to civilization. She teases me about my current obsession with Steven Tyler so I decided not to tell her about the chance meeting. That night, we tuned in for American Idol and there is Steven Tyler sitting at the judge's panel, sporting a goatee. Randy asked him about his new look and Steven replied that he had the opportunity to meet a woman that he had come to admire. Everyone has morals and ideals, but it isn't until these are challenged in the face of temptaion/opportunity that we either show backbone and stick with our ideals or crumple like a jellyfish. And that he had great respect for this woman who had stuck to her principles. He looked into the camera and said, "I have 3 of those 4 traits you'd mentioned. Laurie, if you can, tweet me with those 4 traits so I know it's you girl." All I could do was sit there with my jaw on the floor. Heidi looked over at me with a similar look on her face.

I don't think I woke up at this point, but it is all I remember.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Flesh

I woke up with these lyrics in my head, "Flesh ... the only thing that's worth the sweat." Hardly any great epiphany for the day here. Spring is coming, not as quickly as I would like to hope, but it is on it's way. Every year I get my own version of spring fever. Christmas and spring are the only times of the year that I get meloncholy or wishing that I had someone in my life.

Spring usually finds me crushing on the bachelor down the street like a lovesick schoolgirl. After 4-5 years of this, it is probably safe to conclude that the dude is not interested. "If you always do what you did, you'll always get what you got. Uh, could that be nothing?" A different song, but still apt, and also a phrase that I've heard around the tables. So I guess this year, I'll just crush on Steven Tyler hehe. Will the results be any different? Ha! Dream on. But there won't be the disappointment since there is no real hope or expectation.

Where does one go to meet people if not the bar? I'd tried dating in the program. "behind every skirt is a slip." I got tired of being blamed for someone else's slip. Usually the relationship failed because they weren't working an honest program. Yet it was MY fault when they went back out. Yeah ok, Whatever.

When I went to the gas station for my dailt indulgence of a cup of coffee, I heard a song on the radio that I have not heard in ages. "I'll be there for you. These five words I swear to you." Makes me wonder if he IS still there for whomever the song was written/sung for.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

De Nile is More Than a River in Egypt

I am, well pretty much, wasted. Waiting for food to heat up because that's pretty much how I end a night of drinking, with food to soak up the alcohol. I've been fighting with my drinking ... abusive behavior or just clean fun? It was very borderline tonight. When faced with staying the night and partying more, or catching the last bus home, I was all for staying. My brother said catch the last bus. I did, I must admit, consider telling him to go ahead, I'll stay. We caught the last bus, but went to the bar, at my suggestion. As much as I'd wanted to go, I realized, once there, it really wasn't my scene anymore. I asked the DJ if he had any Aerosmith instead of the electronic crap they were playing. He said he did and played, God only knows what, it wasn't Aerosmith, before returning to the electronic bullshit. I hit on some guy who reminded me of another guy I've been interested in.

I remember being told that alcoholism isn't about how often you drink, or even how much you drink, but whether you could predict what you would do once you started drinking. I used to joke, sure I can predict, I drink, I get wasted, I invite a guy home, I pass out at some point later.

Tonight, I sure didn't see myself voting for staying the night at my brother's friend's house to continue drinking. I didn't see myself requesting a shot. I haven't done shots in years and usually refrain from hard liquor and stick to beer. Going to the bar wasn't completely unforseen, but the fact that I was prepared to go alone if my brother decided against it, maybe. Still being up, without booze, ready to sleep, but wanting food first ... no clue where that comes from ... listening to Aerosmith, Poison, GNR, etc, is that a "still want to party" kind of thing?

Dunno what to answer to that but I do know that in my recent frame of mind, questioning denial or just clean fun, this weekend has not been a very positive experiment.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Random Act of Kindness

I ran to the gas station to purchase a pack of toilet paper, which my brother had managed to run out of while I was gone. For some reason, my debit card didn't go through. Attendent ran it a second time and it was denied. As there was someone in line behind me now, I'd decided to just go ahead and pay cash. The young man behind me was late teens, maybe early 20s and over a head taller than me. As I dug through my pockets for the emergency couple of bucks i keep on hand, he told attendant to just add it to his bill. I looked up at him and asked if he was sure and then thanked him for his kindness. As I was leaving, I heard his young friends ribbing him about having "new girlfriend". He told them "Shut up fools, it's nice to help old people." Really not looking forward to my birthday this month.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Get Outta Your Head

My name's Warly and I'm ... well, I dunno what the hell I am anymore. Recovering addict ... definately. Alcoholic ... still debating/denialing that one I guess. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. I'm not anywhere near where I was before, but it does seem to be progressing again. I've gone from drinking a couple times a year, to a couple of times a month. Still not too bad considering past experiences, but enough of a progression to make me wonder. Being an analytical creature, the not knowing kills me.

So I took an alcohol screening test. It recommends that you use the past 12 months as a reference, even though some of the questions are phrased "if you've ever". So I stuck to the past 12 months irregardless of phrasing and scored a yes answer to 5 of the 20 questions. I took it a second time using my entire drinking "career" as a frame of reference and scored a yes answer to 13 out of 20 questions. Anything over 3 could be cause for concern according to the test. No matter what the test says, there are two paths that could be taken.

The first path is the safest and most obvious. Just quit drinking again. Pretty damn simple huh? Except that I really don't want to if I don't have to, which in itself probably should supercede the screening test as cause for worry. But it has taken 12 years of drinking to get to this point. Who's to say it will get worse? Who's to say it won't. My oldest turns 21 this August. We've been making plans for 2 years, since she said she'd love to see the Karaoke Love Goddesses perform for her birthday. Yeah, that's going to take some liquid courage. But that's just a justification.

The second path is just as obvious and leads through a mine field. Keep drinking and see if I can avoid the mines. Hitting bottom sucks but is very effective. My old bottom may have been a ledge that I hit on the way to a true bottom, do I really want to push my luck? I consider that it could have just been a ledge because it really no longer applies. I no longer have children at home to worry about traumatizing with my drinking. I don't have a job to lose. I've already lost at love and have no interest in trying again. What do I have to lose really? A very dangerous question to pose, especially if I can't come up with an answer. Some would suggest I could lose myself along the way. Honestly, I already have. The idea of a bottomless pit is intriguing, but what kind of idiot jumps in just to find out where it leads? An alcoholic. "We're here cuz we're not all here" comes to mind. I have more justifications at the ready. Like the fact that I have turned down last call because I realized I had hit my limit. I never used to have a limit other than the booze was gone, or I'd passed out. Even puking wouldn't stop me in the old days, figuring that I had just made room for more.

I've had 2 hours sleep, and I'm gonna get outta my head now. I'm going to leave it at the fact that I'm not going to drink today. My brother's birthday party this weekend? Probably. My daughter's birthday party? Most likely. But not today, it's a start.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Amazing

I woke up with these lyrics in my head. "It's amazing. In the blink of an eye, you finally see the light." Makes me wonder what I'm going to see the light about. Maybe that it is time to go home. I miss home, I do. But ... I've gotten back in touch with my recovery here, something that I've taken for granted for the past several years. I've gotten used to having the internet at my disposal again. I've missed my sims and Heidi bought me Sims3 as payment for working on her site, and an enticement for me to stay longer, knowing that I would want to stick around to play it. I've also picked up another obsession, though probably healthier than any of my others. I spend a lot of my non-sims time trying to catch Steven Tyler on twitter, idol, looking for new videos, pics, or tidbits of news that I hadn't already found. Talk about amazing .. his voice, his heart, his recovery -- and unfortunate relapse. The only consolation that I have in telling myself that I'm not a completely obsessed fan is that I don't tweet him several times an hour with x-rated propositions like other women do. Course, I dont see the point in it. I can't keep up with all the tweets he gets and wonder how much of an effort he puts in to reading the thousands of tweets that come in while he is offline.

So anyhow, my brother's birthday is next Wednesday and I want to be home for it. The question is, am I just stopping in for a visit like Heidi is suggesting, or going home for good? I'm not sure, I guess that I haven't seen the light yet.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Permanent Vacation

I was torn between the title of I'm Down or Girl Keeps Coming Apart, so went with the album name since some days it seems like I'm on a Permanent Vacation. I came to visit for 5 days and have been here almost two months. I love Heidi for caring enough to keep me and not wanting me to go home, but I'm getting home sick.

I went to bed early last night, around 2 this morning. Hey, that's real early for me. Woke up around 8:30 bright eyed, bushytailed and ready to start my day. Got right to work, ready to get lots accomplished, and be done in time for a scheduled NA meeting online. Best way to make God laugh is to make plans. I didn't get much of anything accomplished. The internet went out, the dog went nuts barking at god only knows what. Even with my headphones on and the music blaring, it wasn't enough to drown out the noise so I could hear the voices in my head ... uh, I mean hear myself think. I actually went out in the cold and the snow just to get some quiet. I miss my walks. I don't get very far here before I run out of places to go. Bugs me to have nothing within walking distance, I'm definately not a country girl. Days like these I don't care how cold it is, I'd rather be home with no heat or electricity. I'd have my books, my crocheting, and my brother. I guess I just got up on the wrong side of the clock this morning. I don't often get up before noon, and it doesn't seem to agree with me. Just about everything has aggravated me and gotten on my nerves today. Things that normally roll off me like water off a duck's back. Oh did I mention the chat room for the NA meeting was empty? I don't often have cravings anymore, but today is one of those days.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Attitude Adjustment

I found a recovery chat room tonight. Is ironic, when I first started hanging out on the internet, wayy back in '96 it was to find recovery chat rooms that I had heard about. Tonight was the first time that I had been in a chat room since the bingo site that I volunteered as a chat moderator for a good 6 years, was hacked and shut down over a year ago. I haven't been to a meeting in probably atleast 13 years and I'm very lucky to still be clean, especially with all of the crap that I've had to deal with. I never really liked NA meetings, for some reason hearing people talk about using bothered me more than hearing war stories about drinking.

If you notice, I do specify that I'm clean, not clean and sober. I was sober for 5 years before I jumped off that wagon. And while I did drink heavily, I'll admit it, I think a lot of it was my drug use and youth. My sponsor screamed denial, and wouldn't give me credit for still being clean. This gave me a resentment and a justification for not going to meetings. But like they say, justification is like masturbation, you'll the only one getting screwed. I didn't feel that I still qualified for AA since I didn't plan to officially quit drinking. My brother jokes that it is hard to tell the difference since I drink so rarely. We have started going to the bar fairly regularly though. Not like couple times a week, or even a couple times a month, but more than I have in years. We started going mainly because it is someplace warm to hang out for a while. We don't go until midnight, so that we don't end up drinking or spending too much, and there have been nights when I passed on last call because I had hit my limit. It used to be that my limit didn't come until I passed out or all the booze was gone. But I've also noticed that while on the first couple of trips to the bar my brother had to convince me to go, the last few trips were at my suggestion. And I've started wondering if maybe I am in denial and slowly working my way back to the level that my drinking had been.

Anyhow, there wasn't anyone in the NA chat room but plenty of people in the 24 hour recovery chat, though it seemed to be more geared towards drinking than recovery in general. There was someone new, never been to a meeting but questioning their consumption and had been wanting to quit for a while. They were floored that strangers were so nice and helpful to them. We talked them through until after 2am when the liquor store closed. They plan to go to a meeting at 7am, I pray they make it. They messaged me privately and I explained that helping them helped us as well. They were confused by this. I went into further detail that sometimes we can get complacent in our recovery. That by helping new members it reminds us of where we come from, the pain that we suffered to get to where we are today. I'm paraphrasing here as it's been several years since I've opened my big book, but we do not live in the past, nor wish to shut the door on it. I have seriously become complacent, not even just not going to meetings, but not being grateful for my recovery anymore. I've been so bogged down with the crap that I know I can't change and resenting the hell out of it. I've been angry with God for a very long time. I still believe of course, and I try to live in a Christian manner. Doing unto others, etc, etc. I'm just not currently on speaking terms with God. I don't have the patience of Job, and if I'm "just" being tested, I guess I have failed miserably.

So ... new attitude. I will try to be grateful for what I do have. I have awesome friends, and two beautiful daughters. I have a brother that I love dearly, basically the only family I have left, besides the girls. We've gotten very close while we struggle together in this past collection of downfalls. Even if I do feel as though I have abandoned him for the last month. He is the first to assure me that there isn't anything that I could do if I were back home with him, other than the whole misery loves company thing. If nothing else, I suppose that I should be grateful for current circumstances as they have brought us closer together. But I'm not quite there yet. I will try to be more optimistic and less realistic/pessimistic ... I've never seen much difference between the two in my life. I'm going to try to be more active, even when just sitting here at my computer working on the website I'm building, I have my headphones on and doing the dancing in my seat thing. It's gotta be atleast a little bit better than sitting like a lump right? I'm not going to claim to turn over a new leaf right away, baby steps is they key I think. And I can't really plan to attend face to face meetings again at this point as I'm dependant on others for transportation right now. But I can attend the online meetings that are scheduled. Maybe when I get back home, where there is public transportation, my new attitude will have advanced enough to take that step.

Online meetings are at Step Chat if you ever need one.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Hole in my Soul

Yeah another song that I can relate to. I had always thought of it as giving my heart away and never reclaiming possesion of it. "I'm down a one way street with a one night stand"... He was supposed to be a one night stand. He was gorgeous, and I never expected him to give me the time of day, let alone more than one night. I had even played Bob Seger's "We've got Tonight" on the jukebox to remind me that it was just "tonight". Two months later we were expecting a baby. 10 months later, we were parents. 16 months after that one night stand, we split up. 5 years later, we tried again, for the sake of our daughter. He was sober this time. I was still clean, but not sober. Of course, my brother jokes that it is hard to tell the difference when I'm drinking or not drinking since I drank so rarely. My sponsor of course screamed denial. She never understood the whole cross-addicted thing and wouldn't give me "credit" for still being clean. This of course let me justify a resentment. But this isn't about my recovery, it's about the hole in my soul.

I have always taken time off between relationships. Years ago, while I was on a dating sabatical, my best friend had decided she was going to get me laid. This led to a humorous adventure of us trying to find my preferred method of birth control, only to find they had quit making it years prior. Even I had to admit that it was time to start dating again. Granted during my wild child youth, it was odd for me to go hours without a lover, let alone years. But this latest sabatical has been never ending. Like I never got my heart back, or I have a hole in my soul. I haven't been dealing with the baggage like I should, it's still sitting in the hallway, waiting for me to deal with it.

"Sometimes the punishment don't seem to fit the crime." I had always thought that he had been my karma, coming back to bite me in the ass for all of the guys who had been serious about me, but just wasn't IT for me. You can't control who you love. I've often said that love isn't nothing but a last name, and though I may never really know what love is, I thought that I was in love with him. Maybe I was, it certainly did seem special. But he didn't love me, and we both knew it. When he proposed, so that the baby could be born legitimate, I feared that he would grow to resentment me, and worse yet ... resent the baby.

"So you tell me how it's going to be this time. Is it over? Is it over? cuz i'm blowing out the flame" Awesome lyrics, if only it were that easy. Everytime I blew out the flame he would attempt to rekindle it. And often I let him, but I am so done. Last time that I saw him, he tried to kiss me. And i was taken by such surprise, he did get actual full contact before I pulled away. He had relapsed, and was drunk. I hate to say it of anyone but he truly is easier to take when he's drinking. He was always .... well usually ... a happy drunk. He demanded that I move in with him because of reasons going on at my home. And it was tempting. Tempting enough that, after a couple weeks of debate, I had decided to accept his "offer". Except then he told me he no longer needed me, he had found a sitter, his true reason for inviting me apparently. Yeah I have a hole in my soul, that I need to close if not refill.

"There's a hole in my soul, yeah I should have known better 'Cause your love's like a thorn without a rose". Another song comes to mind too. "you're easy on the eyes, but hard on the heart" He certainly looked like a rose, but he was all thorns. And I can't blame him really. I think he knew, he had a chance at something real, something right, and is why he keeps trying to come back, but I just cannot handle the rollercoaster ride anymore. I don't know if it is commitment issues, hell I have an entire subscription of that. But anytime that we got close, he was gone. Usually when I needed him the most.

"Sometimes I feel broke and can't get fixed" This really needs no explanation. Long quote here ... "I know there's been all kinds of shoes underneath your bed, Now I sleep with my boots on but you're still in my head, (And something tells me this time I'm down to my last licks), 'Cause if it's over, Then it's over, And it's driving me insane." He's had other girlfriends, he actually lived with one. I'm not sure if it was the fact that he needed someone to do his laundry after he finally left home, or a sign that he was maturing and ready to grow up. All I know is that it is driving me nuts, because it's over. No matter how many times he tries to come back. It has to be over, because I can't live like this anymore.

"Take a walk outside your mind" Is this another get out of your head lyric? "Tell me how it feels to be The one who turns the knife inside of me." How is it that emotional pain can be such a physical pain? Like your guts are just twisting inside you. "Take a look and you will find There's nothing there girl, yeah, I swear I'm telling you girl yeah 'cause there's a hole in my soul" There IS nothing there, so why am I affected so much when he turns on the charm and tries to weedle his way back into my life ... the life that HE chose not to be a part of, over and over and over again ... wait that's from a different song.

Like I said in my last post, it's like I've been in a holding pattern, just waiting for what's going to happen next. I do believe in putting myself in God's hand, but maybe I don't have the true faith for anything to actually happen once I'm there. Yet it is also said that God helps those that help themselves. So which is it? Trust that he will provide, or help yourself with faith that everything will work out for the best?

Love like you've never been hurt, that was tweeted the other day. Yeah, easier said than done. But it is weird to think that celebrities go through the same thing that we "mere mortals" do. But I would imagine they have it worse. While they never lack for company, they also never know who is around because of actual interest and who is around just because they are famous.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Just another Manic Monday

I get the most done on the manic days. Makes sense, I suppose, as it is those days that I think I can accomplish the impossible. Whether it's code for the most difficult website that I've ever attempted, or just dreaming the impossible dream. I have fewer manic days than depressed, but that might be for the best. I can handle the depression, it's familiar, it's safe. It's the days when I play the hand dealt to me without complaint, even though it isn't a winning hand. The manic days are the days of accomplishment, and of false hope. Hope that life will change. Hope that things will be better. Hope that I might draw the right card for that inside straight. As far as I can tell, hope is just a future disappointment.

I have one of those unbelievable lives. I always try to live within my conscience. Well, since I got clean anyway. I may not attend church as much as I should but I still try to live as I think He would want. Honest to a fault, loyal to my friends and loved ones, too thoughtful of others. Often my decisions are based on what's best for others, even when it's very clear the decision is not in my best interest. My life is proof that nice people finish last, the testing grounds for Murphy's law. I have survived more crap than any one person should have to, and I doubt many would believe that so many bad things could happen to one person. But that's my life, and I'm pretty much used to it.

I've heard many say that God is their co-pilot. I've learned that He is the pilot and I'm just along for the ride. He doesn't always take a direct route, or even the most scenic. But the journey is rarely dull and I always get where I'm going. Even when it isn't where I had planned to go or when I wanted to go, it is usually where I need to be, when I need to be there. But I have to wonder sometimes, because it really seems like I've just been circling in a holding pattern for the past few years.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Back in the Saddle

Yeah, I know. I haven't posted here in forever. Haven't had much to say, or nothing worth saying at any rate. If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all, right? Those who know me, know that I haven't had much of anything nice going on in my life recently, besides my friends. I have some awesome friends.

Still single, still broke, still with no real purpose in life. Sitting here listening to Aerosmith on the computer and in a very bizarre mood. It's all Heidi's fault. Heidi is my very good friend who has taken me in for the past month and pretty much refuses to take me home until it gets warmer since there is no heat at my house. Long story that I'm not going to get into here, will just say it was more due to a flagrant error on the part of the power company that I refuse to pay for, than a financial thing. Anyhow, Heidi, God love her, is an idol fan. I hate all reality shows. They aren't based on reality at all. Give me a reality show where you are put in a situation where the baby has pneumonia, is almost out of medicine, there's the worst blizzard you've seen in five years raging outside and you need to figure out how to get to the drug store to pick up her medicine without taking her outside in the storm or leave your 9yo alone to babysit. This is more of a reality for me than being stranded on an island with x amount of items allowed to take with you. Anyhow, Heidi is an idol fan, she watches it religiously. Maybe since it started, I'm not sure. I need to convince her to take me home before I actually start looking forward to Wed & Thursdays ... American Idol night.

What's different, you might ask. I know I've been asking it. Maybe the fact that I never sat down and watched it before. I doubt this, as I still don't particularly enjoy the contestants. Maybe I've become more open minded in my old age. No, I'm actually becoming more close minded and cynical as I get older. Maybe it's that I'm bored and have nothing better to do than watch whatever is on the tv. This could be closer to the truth, but not quite it. I've already given a hint as to the reason. It's the judges. I've always loved movies Jennifer Lopez was in. Wedding planner, Maid in Manhatten, Monster-In-Law, etc etc. But that's not even it. It is yet another long haired drummer named Stevie ... ok Steven this time, same difference. It's funny, because my first thought upon seeing Steven Tyler on the judges' panel was a scene in Son-in-Law where Pauley Shore is wearing leopard print footie pajamas and exclaiming "Look! Steven Tyler pjs!"

As most adolescents coming of age in the 80's, I listened to rock music. Poison, GNR, Whitesnake, Motley Crue, and of course, Aerosmith. Larger than life-sized posters and magazine clippings hung on my walls in a futile attempt to cover the pink gingham daisied wallpaper that my mother had picked out when redecorating the nursery to my "big girl" room. Steven Tyler was not among the faces affixed to my bedroom walls. I was not a groupie, I'd never given him a second thought. I doubt I could have named the lead singer of Aerosmith or even pick him out of a line up.

Why the fixation now, you may ask. I know I've been asking it. Is he yet another man who has just aged well? Lord knows he was about fugly when I saw him in concert. Course drug addiction has a tendency to make one not so purty. I have no room to talk, I don't remember much about the aerosmith concert I attended after the acid we dropped in the parking lot. I do remember camping out for tickets though. My best friend at the time, her father called my mother claiming that Shannon and I were knee deep in some science project or other, and while normally he wouldn't let her have friends stay over on a school night, would it be ok if I did stay this once to give us extra time to finish the project. Within an hour he'd dropped us off at the mall to camp out for tickets. It was cold, but not freezing. This was back in the days when it actually paid off to camp for tickets. We got main floor, all the main floor tickets weren't already reserved for big wigs and radio station give-aways as they are today.

I returned home, at the proper time to make it look like I'd gone to school that day, rubbed my brother's nose in the fact that I had aerosmith tickets, and then asked what songs did they sing. He was livid that I had tickets and no clue who the band was. Not entirely true, I've just never been very good at remembering band names and placing them with song titles. The night of the concert, I recognized all of the songs played, as far as I remember at any rate.

After watching idol the other night, I resisted temptation for a couple of days before I found myself at google, looking up a discography for Aerosmith. It was deja vu, just like the night of the concert ... Dude (looks like a lady)! Love in an elevator! Angel! Walk this way! So many more favorites, that is Aerosmith that does them? What can I say, old age has not helped my memory of band names vs. song titles. I spent most of the night listening to Aerosmith on myspace (the best place to listen to music that I don't have, as far as I know, even though I hadn't been to myspace in ages) along with the one album that is on my computer, watching videos on myspace and aero force one, and looking at photos at steventyler.com and his facebook fan page.

Steven Tyler still isn't drop dead gorgeous, but there's something about him that just screams sexy. His fashion flair? His colorful sayings (Sh** fire, save matches. F*** a duck and see what hatches)? An animal magnetism combined with nostalgia of when I was younger? Lord knows high school sucked, and it's laughable to have thought that one day I would look back and miss the care free days of so long ago. When my biggest worry was how I would keep from getting caught sneaking out to go party with my friends. Or worse, get caught coming home after curfew, completely wasted. How simple life was back then. I'd give anything to have my mother still around to lecture me and bestow her pearls of wisdom on me that I had previously ignored.

I was just a fraction of a millimeter away from clicking the like button on Tyler's facebook fan page. Such a simple thing that I've done hundreds of time without a second thought. I noticed some of the posts on his page. Fans saying they love him, noting his sexy lips, yadda yadda yadda. How it would suck to be famous. People that you don't know being completely in love with you, or the person they think you are. Complete strangers who feel that they know you intimately, even just after a long night spent with google. Always being in the spotlight, never having any privacy, the scarey crazy fans *gulp*. The fact that anyone with a web browser can find out just about anything in your life from private, personal details in relationships, to drug addiction, to falling off a stage. Plenty of people have done these, myself included. Luckily for me, I'm not famous enough that if a video exists no one cared enough to post it on you tube.

So why not click the Like button? Let's face it, that button is for the little people, like you or I, who need the reinforcing qualities of the number of people who like us, not for a man who literally has millions of fans. It's hard to imagine him sitting at the computer elated that 97,896 people like his fan page and cheering for it to get to 100,000. But I guess that makes me just as guilty of presuming that I know him. So I clicked the Like button, maybe he is watching the number of fans rise, what do I know? Who even knows if it is the "official" fan page, there are so many. Though I did find one personal page with his name and picture that only allows friends to see any info. I wouldn't imagine a fan having a page in his name would have such a high privacy setting. No, I didn't attempt to friend him. We aren't friends and I never understood the whole "collecting friends that you don't actually know" thing on facebook. Though if you want to friend me Steven, I would probably accept the request. Yeah ok, Dream On right? Forgive me, I'll blame the sillyness on sleep deprivation.

So I raise my cup of coffee and offer a silent toast of good luck to anyone struggling with staying clean and/or sober (18 drug-free years for me), to those who have wandered so far off the path in their adult life that even traumatic high school experiences are considered their glory days, to those who wished they looked as good at 40 -- forget about at 62, and to long haired drummers that answer to the name of Stevie, Steve, and/or Steven.