I am, well pretty much, wasted. Waiting for food to heat up because that's pretty much how I end a night of drinking, with food to soak up the alcohol. I've been fighting with my drinking ... abusive behavior or just clean fun? It was very borderline tonight. When faced with staying the night and partying more, or catching the last bus home, I was all for staying. My brother said catch the last bus. I did, I must admit, consider telling him to go ahead, I'll stay. We caught the last bus, but went to the bar, at my suggestion. As much as I'd wanted to go, I realized, once there, it really wasn't my scene anymore. I asked the DJ if he had any Aerosmith instead of the electronic crap they were playing. He said he did and played, God only knows what, it wasn't Aerosmith, before returning to the electronic bullshit. I hit on some guy who reminded me of another guy I've been interested in.
I remember being told that alcoholism isn't about how often you drink, or even how much you drink, but whether you could predict what you would do once you started drinking. I used to joke, sure I can predict, I drink, I get wasted, I invite a guy home, I pass out at some point later.
Tonight, I sure didn't see myself voting for staying the night at my brother's friend's house to continue drinking. I didn't see myself requesting a shot. I haven't done shots in years and usually refrain from hard liquor and stick to beer. Going to the bar wasn't completely unforseen, but the fact that I was prepared to go alone if my brother decided against it, maybe. Still being up, without booze, ready to sleep, but wanting food first ... no clue where that comes from ... listening to Aerosmith, Poison, GNR, etc, is that a "still want to party" kind of thing?
Dunno what to answer to that but I do know that in my recent frame of mind, questioning denial or just clean fun, this weekend has not been a very positive experiment.