Saturday, March 12, 2011
Friday, March 11, 2011
Have I turned my drug problem entirely over to God, without reservation?
I think the fact that I have remained drug fee over the years, even without consciously working the program anymore is probably the strongest evidence that I have turned it over to God. Lord knows that I couldn't have done it alone. My trip home has reminded me just how truly powerless that I am. I can only have faith that He has a reason and has left a window open for me somewhere.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
This morning I woke up singing, "Freak out! I'm alone now. I think I may be losing my mind." Well duh. I've been alone going on five years now. No great epiphany there. Some would argue that I lost my mind years ago.
I finished the dream that I had started the other night. Atleast I think it is finished. As the judges walked to their desk on stage, he broke out into song, "i'm in love ... yeah, I don't know if I can face the night". Jennifer Lopez laughed and commented that he must have finally proposed to Erin. He said nooo, they had broken up, but he was thinking that he should propose. Jennifer and Randy urged him to do so, live on air. He whips out his phone and dials. Without wanting to tear my eyes from the screen that I am riveted to, I answer my phone without checking the caller ID. I almost drop it when I realize it is him. He asks if I am watching Idol and I choke out an affirmative reply. On screen, he reaches into his jacket pocket, pulls out a ring box, and turns it to the camera. There is a modest rock inside. Jennifer teases him that it is kinda puny. He replies, "She would be embarrased to wear anything larger." I gasp and ask how he could know that.
He replied, "I don't think we had holes in our souls after all. I think we share a soul and have been looking for the other half. I've found mine. Marry me girl." After a brief hesitation while I tried to get my mind around the surreal events taking place, I agreed and said that we both needed to be committed. He replied, "It takes a little bit of being crazy to make a difference in the world."
That's pretty much the end of the dream as I can recall. Still haven't gotten to jump him. I guess I'm not that kind of girl, even in my dreams. I do recall another snippet of dream where we went to Keith's tattoo shop and got matching tatts. The temporary tatt he usually wheres on his right arm but with my initials also incorporated into the design as well. This is a really weird twist in my dream as I've always felt strongly against the "marring" of my body with tatts.
"You may be right, I may be crazy." Billy Joel song, not Aerosmith for once, and it definately fits my frame of mind lately.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
by Dale Wimbrow, (c) 1934
When you get what you want in your struggle for pelf,
And the world makes you King for a day,
Then go to the mirror and look at yourself,
And see what that guy has to say.
For it isn't your Father, or Mother, or Wife,
Who judgement upon you must pass.
The feller whose verdict counts most in your life
Is the guy staring back from the glass.
He's the feller to please, never mind all the rest,
For he's with you clear up to the end,
And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test
If the guy in the glass is your friend.
You may be like Jack Horner and "chisel" a plum,
And think you're a wonderful guy,
But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
If you can't look him straight in the eye.
You can fool the whole world down the pathway of years,
And get pats on the back as you pass,
But your final reward will be heartaches and tears
If you've cheated the guy in the glass.
This morning I woke up with this thought in my head, Queen ... err rather .. King of my delusion. It's a line from an unreleased Aerosmith song, the title currently escapes me.
I had dreamt that Steven Tyler's car broke down in front of my house. His phone was also dead. I offered use of my phone, but without access to his phone book, the offer was moot. He had hoped to charge his phone, but found I was powerless. We walked to where I have charged my phone on occasion. We hung out for a bit while his phone charged. He flirted easily with me. Laughable in the waking state as I'm probably 10-15 years too old for him and atleast 100 pounds too heavy to be "his type". But that's what makes dreams fun, anything can happen.
He was surprised when his advances were rebuffed (makes two of us, even my dreams suck). When I got clean, it became harder to do the "free love" one night stand kind of thing. Tho honestly, I'd probably jump at the chance to jump him, even if just once. But it was the other thing that held me back.
I've been The Woman who found out about The Other Woman enough to know that I don't want to be The Other Woman ever again. I don't want to be the source of that kind of pain to anyone. When I was using, I didn't care if a man was married. Actually, that's not true, married men were more attractive to me as there was less risk of them getting too attached. While I may not consciously work the program in every aspect of my life anymore as I should, I do stay true to my subconscious. It's all about whether or not you can look at that guy/gal in the glass.
His phone was charged, he made his call, and we walked back to the house. He asked what I was looking for, besides just unattached. I joked that I was a sucker for men with long hair and goatees, and that I loved drummers. He joked that he was halfway there.
Whomever he had called showed up and before leaving he asked for a kiss. I jokingly quoted him asking "with or without tongue?" He was gone on his way while I was turning the moment into a warm fuzzy memory that I would kiss my ass over for years to come, because of the once in a lifetime experience that I had passed up.
A few days later, Heidi picked me up and spirited me back to her place, back to civilization. She teases me about my current obsession with Steven Tyler so I decided not to tell her about the chance meeting. That night, we tuned in for American Idol and there is Steven Tyler sitting at the judge's panel, sporting a goatee. Randy asked him about his new look and Steven replied that he had the opportunity to meet a woman that he had come to admire. Everyone has morals and ideals, but it isn't until these are challenged in the face of temptaion/opportunity that we either show backbone and stick with our ideals or crumple like a jellyfish. And that he had great respect for this woman who had stuck to her principles. He looked into the camera and said, "I have 3 of those 4 traits you'd mentioned. Laurie, if you can, tweet me with those 4 traits so I know it's you girl." All I could do was sit there with my jaw on the floor. Heidi looked over at me with a similar look on her face.
I don't think I woke up at this point, but it is all I remember.
Monday, March 7, 2011
I woke up with these lyrics in my head, "Flesh ... the only thing that's worth the sweat." Hardly any great epiphany for the day here. Spring is coming, not as quickly as I would like to hope, but it is on it's way. Every year I get my own version of spring fever. Christmas and spring are the only times of the year that I get meloncholy or wishing that I had someone in my life.
Spring usually finds me crushing on the bachelor down the street like a lovesick schoolgirl. After 4-5 years of this, it is probably safe to conclude that the dude is not interested. "If you always do what you did, you'll always get what you got. Uh, could that be nothing?" A different song, but still apt, and also a phrase that I've heard around the tables. So I guess this year, I'll just crush on Steven Tyler hehe. Will the results be any different? Ha! Dream on. But there won't be the disappointment since there is no real hope or expectation.
Where does one go to meet people if not the bar? I'd tried dating in the program. "behind every skirt is a slip." I got tired of being blamed for someone else's slip. Usually the relationship failed because they weren't working an honest program. Yet it was MY fault when they went back out. Yeah ok, Whatever.
When I went to the gas station for my dailt indulgence of a cup of coffee, I heard a song on the radio that I have not heard in ages. "I'll be there for you. These five words I swear to you." Makes me wonder if he IS still there for whomever the song was written/sung for.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
I am, well pretty much, wasted. Waiting for food to heat up because that's pretty much how I end a night of drinking, with food to soak up the alcohol. I've been fighting with my drinking ... abusive behavior or just clean fun? It was very borderline tonight. When faced with staying the night and partying more, or catching the last bus home, I was all for staying. My brother said catch the last bus. I did, I must admit, consider telling him to go ahead, I'll stay. We caught the last bus, but went to the bar, at my suggestion. As much as I'd wanted to go, I realized, once there, it really wasn't my scene anymore. I asked the DJ if he had any Aerosmith instead of the electronic crap they were playing. He said he did and played, God only knows what, it wasn't Aerosmith, before returning to the electronic bullshit. I hit on some guy who reminded me of another guy I've been interested in.
I remember being told that alcoholism isn't about how often you drink, or even how much you drink, but whether you could predict what you would do once you started drinking. I used to joke, sure I can predict, I drink, I get wasted, I invite a guy home, I pass out at some point later.
Tonight, I sure didn't see myself voting for staying the night at my brother's friend's house to continue drinking. I didn't see myself requesting a shot. I haven't done shots in years and usually refrain from hard liquor and stick to beer. Going to the bar wasn't completely unforseen, but the fact that I was prepared to go alone if my brother decided against it, maybe. Still being up, without booze, ready to sleep, but wanting food first ... no clue where that comes from ... listening to Aerosmith, Poison, GNR, etc, is that a "still want to party" kind of thing?
Dunno what to answer to that but I do know that in my recent frame of mind, questioning denial or just clean fun, this weekend has not been a very positive experiment.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
I ran to the gas station to purchase a pack of toilet paper, which my brother had managed to run out of while I was gone. For some reason, my debit card didn't go through. Attendent ran it a second time and it was denied. As there was someone in line behind me now, I'd decided to just go ahead and pay cash. The young man behind me was late teens, maybe early 20s and over a head taller than me. As I dug through my pockets for the emergency couple of bucks i keep on hand, he told attendant to just add it to his bill. I looked up at him and asked if he was sure and then thanked him for his kindness. As I was leaving, I heard his young friends ribbing him about having "new girlfriend". He told them "Shut up fools, it's nice to help old people." Really not looking forward to my birthday this month.